[spoken]
Ladies and gentlemen, how's everybody doing tonight?
[crowd yells and cheers]
Good, good. You know, I was just thinking, in this age of smartphones and smart homes, we've got a lot of smart stuff going on. But you know what's not getting any smarter? The people using them!
[laughter and boos]
I mean, have you ever seen someone try to swipe their TV screen, thinking they can change the channel like it's an oversized iPhone? Yeah, welcome to the future, folks!
[laughter]
And let's talk about social media, shall we? You know, I miss the good old days when if you had a problem with someone, you'd just punch them in the face!
[loud laughter]
Now, you just unfollow them and block them. Real mature, huh? I tell you, I miss the days when "tweeting" meant the sound a bird made, not broadcasting every thought that pops into your numbed, de-evolved head.
[laughter]
And don't get me started on those so-called influencers. I mean, who are these people influencing? Last time I checked, I wasn't taking fashion advice from someone who thinks a salad is a fashion accessory.
[ooow, laughter]
And speaking of food, what's with all these fancy restaurants popping up? I mean, I don't need my food served on a shovel or in a flower pot. Just give me a plate, for crying out loud!
[big, laughter]
You know what really grinds my gears though? Traffic. I mean, it's 2024, people! Where are the flying cars promised to us in the '60s? Instead, we're still bumper-to-bumper on the highway, listening to the same five songs on repeat. And why is it that whenever you're in a rush, every traffic light turns red? And every bitch and asshole wants to have a staring contest through their rearview mirror. It's like they're conspiring against us!
[crowd cheers]
And let's talk about the news. You can't turn on the TV without hearing about some new disaster or scandal. I miss the days when news was just news, not a 24/7 circus of fear-mongering and sensationalism. I mean, I don't need to know what some celebrity had for breakfast. I need to know if I should stock up on canned goods because the world's about to end!
[loud laughter, crowd yelling]
But you know what? Despite all the craziness in the world, there's one thing that never fails to bring people together: laughter. So let's keep laughing, let's keep finding the humor in the absurdity of life, and let's remember that no matter how crazy things get, we're all in this together. Thanks, folks, you've been a great audience!
[crowd cheers]
(fadeout)